I wonder if there is ever an end to this madness i bring on myself, lost friends and a lost child hood has me lost looking for answers. But why I'm asking in the first place is what has me confused. Cause even if i do happen get an answer it won't be the truth.


You call me your son? When was the last time you did anything to prove to me you even wanted anything to do with me? You talk to my nephew more then me. How can you forget your son? How can you plant a seed then walk away from it like you never planted it?

I don't know you - you don't know me. I don't know my own dad and he don't know me. I spent 19 years without you, learned to fight without you, played catch without you, grew without you, learned to ride my bike without you. you cant bring back the years, reverse my tears
or fix the hole in my heart right here. you can't fix the hole in my heart right here. Took from everyday to come. ruined everyday to come.

Current Mood: aggravated

with one life to live i stand at a fork in the road and would rather go back then push foward. One life to live yet i can't enjoy it as i'm always fighting myself. I awake with this feeling of emptyness and regret. To find my reset button and forget the world would be easier then fixing my fuck ups.

Current Mood: annoyed

This pain drops me to my knees. A pain I can no longer deal with on my own. You were never there for me when i needed you. From suicidal thoughts to high on life, how is that any way to live. I asked questions and no answers followed. One life 2 live but cant live mine cause i'm fighting myself.....

Current Mood: blank

I came back on here to write something and I'm so frustrated its not even right. I had this friend that i had a lot of feelings for and it sucks cause i only really got to hang out with her for a couple months then she moved out of state. She came back to visit and i blew off work,family and other friends to hang out with her every chance i got. I had a blast getting to see her smile and laugh and have a good time but the thing that sucked was seeing her best friends blow her off, see was only here for a limited time and i felt bad cause her closest friend kept blowing her off. I just don't understand the heartlessness off people. I thought we had a closer friendship but yet again i'm wrong i do wish her the best!!

Current Mood: disappointed

well, I missed last night. Trying to keep up on this as much as possible. I just need a place to vent over the shit i go through everyday. Funny thing happened yesterday I was hanging out with my friend and some how we started talking about our dads and he said something that really threw me off track then tonight i come to find out my dad has a new cell number and has been talking to my sister the last couple months. So i've come to the conclusion its not my dad its just got to be me. He's the one the distance's himself from me I call as much as i can and never hear back from him so even though its really hard to deal with at least he's not the one to blame.

Spent another bull shit night out with people i really don't care for. I just am really sick to my stomach lately over the realization of how i just threw all my friends away when i moved here. You just never know what you have until you no longer have it and its taken me 6 fucking long years to figure this out.

I'm just sick of being depressed. Over what i'm some what healthy, i have a roof over my head but yet lately i just wonder what it would be like if i just hit my reset button. I really don't have any friends.. its really fucking sick but i sometimes wonder that if i did die how long it would take for even my close friends to figure out something has happened. Well like always i'm going to bed and try to sleep this day way. What a wasted life.

Current Mood: depressed

I guess its the fact i never really had a dad. I mean he's alive and i can call him when ever i want. We just never did father type of shit together. I wrote a story a while ago about how it sucked i had 4 friends that lost there father due to death, one to suicide and 2 never met theirs. Yet my father is alive and lives in Jersey and he's almost dead to me as i never hear from him. I don't know shit about him, the normal conversation we have is about 3 seconds long when he then tells me he's got customers in his store and has to go. So i would say the fact i really don't have as many happy memories with him that i'd like.

Tags: hpwriting2, what do you have to say?, writer's block, youth moment
Current Location: still at work
Current Mood: tired

Well, This is what it has come to.... I have now lost control of my life. I sit her on my bed typing this and i just shake my head. I've lived here in Florida for over 6 years and i moved here to do better but yet i moved here straight edge and now I smoked weed regularly. I mean I can't even type this with out my mind wanting to go do something else. So i smoke to calm it down. But yet i need help and can't afford to get help cause i can't hold a job cause i get so bored so easy. Then finding a job is hard cause i smoke. The worst part is the friends I've lost since i moved to Florida. I have a great group of friends in Jersey and we always would hang out and have a good time, yet i didn't think twice when i moved here in July of 01. Like i just tossed them out and i can make new ones like the where replaceable. After tying to make a new me i look at "most" of the people i call friends and it almost makes me wanna cry. For instance, While typing this i noticed my phone was lite up so i reached over to see its my friend Dave. I answer and he wants to know if i can get him a bag of weed he needs it.... Its 12:40 am WTF You need to be to work at 7am go to bed.... Me being white trash and having a tooth ache i can't sleep so I type. But now he's pissed cause he knows I have weed and i won't drop what i'm doing and get him a bag. I really don't need friends like that. But i do... its hard to explain but i have very few friends so i try to hold on to what i have, even if not benefiting me. All this shit and the fact i'm staving has me sick to my stomach. fuck what a bad start to a Friday, 

Current Location: in bed
Current Mood: depressed